Why I Hate Being Called A Mom

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Soooo here I was. At a bar for one of the first times since my son was born, feeling awkward and out of place. I’ve been to bars before, socializing was never new to me. One of my best guy friends and I were sitting at the bar counter after ordering drinks, and I was looking at the counter and made a comment. “Don’t they have any napkins around here”? My friend laughed hysterically and said, “Quit being a mom”. He said it, and it hit me hard.

I was being a mom. It was instinct. I wasn’t even in “mom mode” in my opinion; my son wasn’t with me, I wasn’t anxiously waiting for the next task to do. But here I was, looking for napkins to clean up the wetness of the bar counter. Side note that after a couple beers, I stopped “being a mom” and enjoyed the rest of my night.

Has something like this happened to any of you? Someone commenting on how you’re acting like a mom and you never even realized it? If my friend didn’t make that comment, I honestly would have never realized how my thought process had changed since raising a child. I am always the FIRST to preach self care and making time for yourself, but hardly ever followed it. I believe that to be a huge reason as to why I was always in “mom mode” because I made everyone else a priority than myself.

I Hate Being Called A Mom

Let me make this clear that I LOVE being a mom, although I hate being labeled as a mom. Which is ironic to me because when your child I born you go through that 3 month fairytale phase of being infatuated with everything it means to be a mother. You swear that if you only did mom duties for the rest of your life that you would be happy. A year goes by and you start realizing everything else in your life that has moved on, and what you’re not happy with. Maybe you’ve gained some weight. Maybe you gave up a career to stay at home with your child(ren). Maybe you had some hobbies and passions that you completely put in the corner to collect dust.Β For some, reason it makes you feel guilty to think about all these things and wonder what happened.

Stop. These thoughts are wrong and toxic. It does not make you “selfish” to want to have your old life back, or get things back on track with yourself. I firmly believe in the whole, “a happy mom makes a happy family”. If you end up feeling like you’ve let yourself or let your life go, you’re going to be unhappy until you make some sort of change. Yes, our kids make us happy and they are a HUGE part of our purpose, but they are not your identity. You are still you. You still have talents, goals, things you enjoy, places you want to see, things you want to do.

Plan of Action

I always hear people say it gets easier the older your child gets. Yes it is sad when your child takes on some independence and doesn’t want to cuddle and depend on you like they used to, but see the positive in that they are developing their own interests and you can have some more time to get back into yours! I realize this is not easy. Before kids are in school, it is SUPER hard to carve out time for yourself, which is why I think it is important to start small. 10 minutes a day. Just 10 minutes, and if it can be more than that great. For me, my morning coffee time is top priority. If that means waking up at 6 or 7 in the morning just to have that time for myself, then so be it. It has helped SO MUCH. I try to get in some meditation if I can, a yoga routine, or listen to a motivational speech to start the day. Most days though, I sit by the window in the morning with my cup of coffee and my planner. By the time my son is ready to start his day, my mind is clear and I am much more relaxed than if I had to get up and start doing mom things right away.

So that is just a start. Carve 10 minutes a day for yourself. Try to do it in the morning. I tried to plan my time for after my son went to bed but ended up just falling asleep with him. Once you’ve started some daily self-care, you should dig deeper into what it is you used to do or what your hobbies are. A great example is that I love to paint old furniture. I find it therapeutic. Usually I try to make it a thing with my son so that we can bond and enjoy it together. Activities don’t always have to involve cartoons and mega blocks. Think outside the box and try new things as a family.

Lastly, I think the biggest and most important thing to think about is health, which will probably have it’s own blog post. This is the biggest thing I am struggling with, and the most common thing I hear from new mothers is how they have gained weight and their self confidence has dropped. I weigh the most right now than I ever have in my life, even when I was pregnant. It has made me VERY insecure with everything in my life which can lead to depression and lack of productivity in life generally. Besides the fact that you should feel great about yourself, health is important to be aware of for family reasons; what habits are you creating for your family? What kind of meals are you eating? Do you eat in front of the TV or have family meals? Do you snack a lot and can’t resist letting your child(ren) snack with you? These things seem little now, but as I’ve been focusing on my health, I realize I am potentially creating life long bad habits. (See how this post turned into mom concerns, great example of how easy it is going into mom mode).

Who You Were/Who You Are Now

I think a great way to refocus again is to do a comparison. Realize before doing this that you will never be “who you used to be” ever again. Even if you have never had kids. As we go through life, we go through different chapters and grow. We leave parts of us behind and find new parts of us along the way. Make a list of all the things you “miss” about yourself or admire about yourself. Determine which of those you could pick up on again and work towards. (Being in shape, playing an instrument, hanging out with friends). Make time and DO those things. Keeping in mind it will be in moderation if you’ve got a little one, but it’s better than sitting on the couch wishing.

Get excited about the future and who you have the potential to become. Yes, you are a mom (or a dad) and a huge chunk of your life will be dedicated to those little, wonder-filled eyes looking at you now. But that doesn’t mean you must forget your own identity and who you are (and who you want to be). Never give up on yourself. Stop feeling guilty. You are allowed to hang out with your friends, pursue a career, and have any other passion in your life besides your kid(s).

 

Xoxo

 

 


27 Comments

  1. Shell

    July 19, 2017 at 11:38 pm

    Great post!! We don’t ( and shouldn’t ) forget who we are when we become Mamas…. Yes, being a mom does change us… but it doesn’t take away the essence of who we are πŸ™‚

  2. Phil Paterson

    July 19, 2017 at 11:43 pm

    My Mother raised 4 kids by herself. She did nothing but live for her kids. Once we got older I noticed she needed something in her life for herself. I would encourage her to do things that was just for her. However it had been so long since she knew how, it took along time for her to find that ‘thing’. A very important post. Never Lose Yourself. πŸ™‚

  3. Christie Brown

    July 20, 2017 at 1:22 am

    I think that it’s inevitable that we change when we become mothers, even without realising. I haven’t had kids myself, but many friends have who I would say “have become such mums”. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way of life, I think. As long as we don’t lose ourselves in the process and do still make even a little time for “me time” (preach, girl). πŸ™‚

    All the best in finding your mum/social balance. πŸ™‚
    Christie’s Take on Life. xx

  4. Chandresh

    July 20, 2017 at 2:59 am

    Well said .. Finding Balance and ” Me ” time in life is important for everyone .. Even if you are working on same profile , same office for years .. similar feelings pop up .

  5. Maranda

    July 20, 2017 at 3:10 am

    So awesome!! I love this article it really touched home with me. Life changes after little ones, because we change so much!

    1. Blair Villanueva

      July 21, 2017 at 1:16 am

      I agree, life change when you got family and kids but they are just a beautiful additional in your current life.
      It is wise that dont lose who you are before they came.

  6. Jhilmil

    July 20, 2017 at 4:18 am

    So happy for this honest post.. Its really true that we get time for ourselves to be happy & make the family happy in return. Gaining the weight or losing the chic figure should never be a painful thing. We should happily carry and work positively towards it.

  7. Minakshi bajpai

    July 20, 2017 at 6:09 am

    Your post Inspires me alot. And agree with you that as a mom we should have our only time in which we can enjoy as we are actually. I will try that 10 min for me in the morning.

  8. Jen

    July 20, 2017 at 6:40 am

    I wish it got easier as they got older. For me, the problem persists. Always looking for balance!

  9. Shawna

    July 20, 2017 at 7:21 am

    It is tough to get out of mom mode. When I do get a chance, I have a hard time being just a regular person…the conversation and thoughts always go back to the kids. Definitely something I’m working on!

  10. beckysbestbites

    July 20, 2017 at 8:15 am

    I have a four month old baby girl and since her arrival I have stayed in “mom mode.” I need to carve out some “me time.” I like your idea of getting up just a little earlier than your child to have your coffee and some quiet time. I need to give that one a try πŸ™‚

  11. Amber

    July 20, 2017 at 11:11 am

    Oh, I hear ya! I also love being a mother, but I’m also me. Amber. Me time is important, I’ve found, and I’m much happier when I get it. All mothers need it!

  12. Jasmine - LoveLifeLaughMotherhood

    July 20, 2017 at 11:15 am

    self-care is vital to being able to care for others. this is a great reminder!

  13. elizabethcolette

    July 20, 2017 at 11:17 am

    I think it’s very hard to not forget yourself when you become a parent. I know my kids consume my life and I’m okay with that, but I do worry what will happen when they grow up! I do try to get some “me” time when I can, I think that is so important!

  14. aniahalama

    July 20, 2017 at 11:54 am

    I hate being labeled things as well so I get where you’re coming from with that. I think as long as you have balance that’s the most important part.

  15. Jojo Hua

    July 20, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    I think your identity is still you and people shouldn’t judge you just because you have a son. I definitely don’t use that term and I’m even more aware of it now. Thank you.

  16. C-Ludik

    July 20, 2017 at 1:30 pm

    I haven’t had kids myself, but my best friend have 2. She has sometimes a hard time just being a “girl” because her conversation and thoughts go back to the kids. I have encouraged her to do at least one thing that was just for her. She started to have a regular outside activity once a week and she enjoyed so much… I hope she will find a better mum/social balance in the coming months πŸ˜‰

  17. Kayla

    July 20, 2017 at 1:40 pm

    I can totally relate to this, especially with being a young mom. This is all so new to me- I love it but I’m still Kayla.

  18. kreativemommy

    July 20, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    Completely agree, A happy mom is a happy family. My girls are grown up now and I know how it feels when they come out of all the cuddling and hugging mode. It’s Better we moms stay little out of this mom mode and spend some time for ourselves too.

  19. Kamie Berry

    July 20, 2017 at 2:39 pm

    I totally get this. It bugs me that after having kids our whole identity becomes wrapped up in motherhood. I still have so many of the same interests and passions that I had before motherhood. I love my daughter, but I am more than a mom, just like my husband is more than a dad.

  20. Lauren Riemer

    July 20, 2017 at 2:51 pm

    Such an important topic. Indeed, we are more than mothers…we have more behind us in term of definitions, emotions, dreams and plans.

  21. suchi

    July 20, 2017 at 5:09 pm

    finding me time is very important…. finding the balance being you and being a mom!

  22. Sondra

    July 20, 2017 at 8:15 pm

    So true. So many time when women become mother’s they forget who they are or who they were. They lose themselves and they become a mom…nothing more. Never lose sight of your hopes, dreams, and goals in life. Being a mom may be the most important job you’ll ever have, but you are still your own person.

  23. Healthwealthbridge by Dr.Amrita Basu

    July 21, 2017 at 6:36 am

    I absolutely get where you are coming from. I try my best to have a life other than just my kid so that she understands about purpose in ife .Great post.But there no harm if you want a napkin !πŸ˜‚

  24. elenasts

    July 21, 2017 at 6:54 am

    I completely agree with what you are saying. I am still not a mom but everyone in my surrounding is and I think that it depends on the person, some are great moms and have their life together some are just moms and nothing else.

  25. Anosa Malanga VA

    July 22, 2017 at 4:09 am

    I am not a mom yet but I love your thought about having activities with your son that is not the norm and thinking out of the box. When I become a mom, will definitely note of this.

  26. jthreeNMe

    July 28, 2017 at 5:58 am

    Great read. Hits home for so many that may be slightly tired of being called “mom”. There is more too us and not only do we want people to see that, but we need to remember that ourselves. πŸ™‚

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