My Period Made Me A Horrible Mom
I wanted to make a short post about some realizations I have had over small things in life that many of you can relate to. Last week was all about me just not feeling like a great mom. Which is a lot of the time. The judgment between other moms (and people in general) is bad enough, however as my dad says, “We are own worst critics”. Boy, if that isn’t true.
So last month, I had a LEEP procedure. Last week, I believe on Tuesday, I started my first period since I had the surgery done and it was HORRIBLE. I normally have bad periods anyways (bad cramping and pain), for the first couple of days. I usually use Thermacare Menstrual 8hr Size 3ct or just extra strength Tylenol or Midol and NOTHING was helping. It was UNBEARABLE! I got through work, but by the time I got home and Bubble’s dad went to work, I was in severe pain. I was lying in bed with Bubble, trying to get him down for a nap and couldn’t move. At one point, I realized he had a poopy diaper and it took me 10 minutes to convince myself to push through and get up to change him. We wobbled to the living room; so I could put him in his walker with some cheerios; and then I could sit on the couch and sob.
I felt like an awful mom. I’m usually a tough cookie when it comes to being sick and being in pain. I found out later I had a stomach virus on top of the bad period pains. Bubble looked so bored, and kept looking at me longingly to play while I was sobbing, and that made me feel so much worse. Thankfully, Bubble’s dad came home from work so I could rest, and took care of him the whole next day as well. To single moms who have no choice but to keep going, I COMMEND YOU! You are STRONG ass women. Technically I am a single mom, because I’m not married and did some of it alone and all, but I am so blessed that I had a man come forward to be there for us and help us.
The Universe Told Me To SLOW DOWN
I feel like this was sort of a sign for me to slow down. My days are ALL about Bubble. I wake up at 6 AM to get ready for work, and he usually gets up with me, so I feed him breakfast and get him dressed. Then I’m off to work. After that, I come home while his dad goes to work and watch him until bedtime. A lot of nights I fall asleep waiting for him to do the same. When Bubble is awake, I feel like I have to entertain him at all times and have him constantly engaged. There’s not a lot of me time in there.
The past couple of months, without me realizing, I think I was getting more depressed and anxious than I already am on a daily basis. I was becoming more anti-social and irritable. I would get into arguments with people I care about, and KNOW I was wrong, but keep going anyways. I guess it was the only way for me to blow off steam.
Baby Steps To Self-Care
I mean, I just wrote a post about how moms need to be selfish and schedule time for themselves; but we all know we always make it all about the kids. I mean, their happiness is what we live for. It’s something I know won’t happen overnight and I’m taking baby steps towards self-care. I’m trying to have at least a half an hour to myself in the morning. I play and engage with him after work, but let him be independent with his play too. Right now (at almost ten months), it’s rough because he is super dependent and going through separation anxiety; so that will get better soon. But unless he’s in a walker or highchair right now, I can’t do dishes or cook without him crawling to my ankles trying to stand up.
I’ve been trying to stay up later to get some reading time in, or take a bath, or just something to unwind, rather than going to bed every night stressed over Bubble not falling asleep on a schedule.
We Just Want Success
If you haven’t caught on yet, I try to do way too many things at once, and over think almost everything in my life. I have a full time job, try to get Ezra out to see family on the weekends, keep up on this blog, want to start an etsy shop, and all the mom regular stuff (grocery shopping, keeping fresh produce for Bubble, laundry, cleaning, dinner, and keeping baby alive hahaha).
Recently I realized I need to stop being so impatient and not try to do everything at once. I can’t. I want the perfect life for my kid, and want to be successful so I can give him everything, but it will happen how it’s supposed to, and there’s no rush to get everything I want in life done in a week. I put so much pressure on myself.
It’s just so hard for me to pick ONE project at a time when I want to do it all. I’m SO focused on this blog and side ventures because I want to be a stay at home mom. I hate the whole work 9-5 thing to work for someone else’s dream. I want MY own business, to set MY own pace, and choose when I can be there as a mom. I know a stay at home mom with her own business and side quests still works full time, but it’s a different kind of motivation when you’re in it for YOUR dream. I guess that’s why I’m so caught up in EVERYTHING because I am impulsive over change right now.
Thanks for reading my vent. Slow down mamas. You are wonder woman of course, but take one thing at a time. We know you can do it all, but you don’t need to.
Enjoy the day’s moments. Don’t entertain the kids, interact with them. Watch their facial expressions as they play and figure stuff out. Listen to their laugh. Really talk to them. Love them, and feel the love they have for you. You are all great mothers, and are enough.